Stop it... other states.

So it’s finally happened. I’ve had to admit that while there are many, many things that irritate me about Rhode Island, there just aren’t enough to justify sitting down and writing about it on a regular basis. That is, there aren't enough new things. The ProJo still sucks, it takes a million years to go from point A to point B in a state the size of a postage stamp, etc. But be assured that this does not mean that Rhode Island isn’t irritating; it just confirms that it is small. (But not as small as me. HA! Beat you to it.) And so, in the interest of maintaining even a modest momentum, I am forced to turn my judgmental eye to other states, with the understanding that Rhode Island irritants take precedence over all others. You’re number one, baby.

Anyway. I’d like to begin with Maryland, the state in which I spent the bulk of my childhood, and the place I tell people I’m from when I’m asked, because it’s just easier than rattling off the relatively complicated list of places I’ve lived.** Specifically, I’d like to have a word with this guy, who has taken it upon himself to finish an open-water swim in the Chesapeake Bay with a few butterfly strokes.

[I'm having some trouble cross-posting the pic, so please click on the link and go to picture #11. Sorry.]

Hey, fella? Boasty McShowoff? You’re not impressing anyone with that. I used to be a swimmer, and while I was never awesome (I spent my swimming career nestled comfortably between “passable” and “kind of good”), I can say with certainty that I always had the good sense not to lollygag my way through a race so I could showboat at the end. Also? I stayed the hell out of the Chesapeake Bay. Know why? Sea nettles. Millions of them, all waiting to sting the hell out of someone fool enough to invade their house.

Am I a little jealous? Maybe. I’m big enough to admit it. In fact, I’m big enough to have abandoned the skintight one- and two-piece racing suits of my youth for a much  more sensible swim dress from Land’s End. So what? It hides the post-baby lumpiness I can’t seem to get rid of, jackass. Will you ever know that pain? No, you will not. The closest you’ll come is probably a few months of a few too many indulgent happy  hours at Pusser’s, and you’ll rid yourself of the resulting gut in two weeks by switching to skim lattes. So who are you to judge me? How dare you? I am working on it, okay?

On another note, a special shout-out to this guy for making me feel like a lazy ass.

sea nettle : Chesapeake Bay :: toaster : bathtub

** New Jersey, Minnesota, Poland, Minnesota, Virginia, Minnesota, Maryland, Chicago, Evanston, Chicago, Los Angeles, New Hampshire, New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island.