Begrudging respect? Fat chance.

Well, this sucks. (ProJo photo)

You know what, Providence? I’m sorry to have to say this so bluntly because I know you’re sensitive and all, but after today’s commute, it simply must be said that you are truly bad at this whole “being a functioning city” thing. Seriously, what the hell is the matter with you? You fail at the easy stuff, stuff that even tragically dysfunctional other cities can do, like… I don’t know, let’s say Detroit. Not because I know or I’ve ever been there, but because it provides the stark comparison I’m looking for. Yeah. Detroit! How does that feel?

I know that the storms that rolled through last night hit you pretty hard. But traffic lights were still out hours and hours after the power went out. You know what should get fixed first in the case of an electrical outage? Traffic lights. Oh, and would you mind mentioning to your fine citizens that an out-of-order traffic light is the same as a four-way stop sign, and not a signal that it’s an every-man-for-himself chaotic free-for-all? As the lone individual who remembers that rule from driver’s ed class, I sure would appreciate it.

Also? Instead of dispatching one crew to take care of downed trees one at a time, why not have them divide into smaller crews and tackle two – maybe even three! – tree branches at once, in different places? You know, like the Scooby gang! Scooby-doobie-doo, goddammit! And would you mind telling the cop who was sitting in the squad car that was used to block off the street  -- the one that the giant crew was working to clear –  that maybe he could step away from Angry Birds for a moment? There are a few intersections right off the end of a freeway off-ramp that have no signals and could really use some traffic direction. Look, I know that he’s probably about to lose his job, and that really sucks, but those intersections are an Italian-style fifty-car pile-up just waiting to happen.

And you know what would have been great about all this mess? A warning. But how? Oh, how could you warn citizens of this fair city that certain parts of downtown were nigh impassable because of the weather? Perhaps the LED signs along the freeways? No, no, of course not. Their current message – CLICK IT OR TICKET – is far too important to usurp for some measly weather-related tidbit. No, what’s important is that before puttering through a foot-deep, block-long puddle created by inadequate drainage, all the while praying that the electrical system in the car didn’t shit the bed, we were buckled up right. But wait! What about the news? I listen to NPR on my way to work in the mornings, and there was not one single mention of the state of downtown. It’s right there on the website, but apparently they didn’t see the need to say it out loud to those who were not presently on the interwebs. Because we were driving.

Look. Times are tough. I get it. But this is the easy stuff. This isn’t pensions or job cuts or unemployment. This is making sure traffic signals never go out. This is clearing the crap off of the storm drain grates so water can drain after a fucking storm. This is easy, Providence. This is putting on clean underwear in the morning. It’s just not that much of a challenge. And look what you’ve done to me! I’ve gone from being a writer the Times of London once called “a refreshingly modern satirical voice… the wit of Dorothy Parker melded seamlessly with the homespun wisdom of Erma Bombeck,”** to someone who wastes precious work time ranting impotently about a stupid anthropomorphized city on a blog few people read! Is that what you want, you sick son of a bitch? Well, fine. You win. You win because you’re a city and I’m just a writer of an anger blog about a state no one cares about. But you still suck.

** This did not happen.