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| The anti-zeppole. |
Is it St. Joseph’s Day yet?
Sorry, I’ve just been curled up in a ball on my couch, watching Downton Abbey and Project Runway All-Stars until a dump truck backs up to my house and drops off 100,000 zeppoles, in which I will then swim. As I’ve been waiting for that blessed day I’ve kind of tuned out what’s been going on in my adopted home state, but today I thought I’d check in and see what’s been happening since early December. And do you know what? Things have happened. Things, indeed.
First of all, Christmas happened, even though evil Governor Chafee insisted on calling the state Christmas tree a “holiday tree.” Lo, we have truly witnessed a miracle. Of course, this transgression may have released all kinds of negative mojo on our local government, because not long after that, someone who works at City Hall called in the intrepid ghost hunters of Ghost Hunters “after she heard a whisper in her ear while leaving the ladies’ room on the fifth floor.” Chances are this was just your everyday lobbyist trying to get a minute of the employees’ time, but since the Ghost Hunters are Rhode Islanders (it’s true!), this may be just a fantastic scheme to drum up some business for local paranormal experts and night-vision goggle manufacturers. Brilliant!
More recently, in hilarious criminal news, a state rep gotin trouble just this very morning after he was pulled over on suspicion of DUIand marijuana possession. The comedy comes from the fact that this guy gotpulled over last year on suspicion of DUI and marijuana possession in Connecticut and raised all kinds of stink about it, claiming that the New Haven police were out to get him because of their deep-seated bias against local politicians from Rhode Island. This time around, though, he gave up quickly and hilariously. As today’s ProJo tells it, South Kingstown police discovered Rep. Watson driving erratically on three wheels in the snow. And then:
[The police officer] said he told Watson to sit in his car to get out of the cold as he awaited the arrival of a second officer. When the two officers went back to speak with Watson, they found Watson holding a can of Natural Ice Beer.
[The second officer] said Watson was belligerent and cursed at the officers: "[Expletive] you, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, [expletive] you."
Watson was taken to police headquarters, where [the second officer] said he "attempted to explain to Watson that he was under arrest for possession of marijuana and not drunk driving at this time. Watson replied, 'Shut up! You got your guy!'"
First off, how on earth does one beat a drunk driving charge when a cop witnesses you doing just that? And secondly, please, Heavenly Father, if I ever screw up so badly to be arrested for anything at all, please, please give me the presence of mind to find some reason to say "[Expletive] you, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, [expletive] you." And then tell them to shut up. Also? That is one complacent mug shot.
Oh! And speaking of Heavenly Father, some kid in Cranston successfully sued to have a prayer starting with those words removed from the wall of her public high school’s gym, thereby unleashing a veritable shitstorm of general bad feelings in her direction. All I’ll say about that is this: public school, people. Whether or not you think the kid is a precocious twit who should have just kept her mouth shut is not relevant. And you know that death threats aren’t protected speech just because you make them in the comments section of the ProJo, right? Good luck, kid.
And speaking of shitstorms, Johnston kind of stopped stinking! Kind of. Enough to stop people’s hearts from racing and eyes from watering, that is. It’s good to see that Johnston is cleaning up its… oh, sweet Jesus. Sweet Zombie Jesus! Are you kidding me? What the hell is wrong with you, Johnston?
That’s it. I’m going back to the couch with a fuzzy blanket and a can of frosting. I really think this is Mondo’s year, don’t you?
