A private word to some incoming freshmen.

My friend the ProJo ran this photo today...

These fresh-faced rising freshmen are lugging suitcases around the downtown campus of Johnson & Wales University, their academic home for the next (fingers crossed!) four years. Let's all give them a hand! And now, if you don't mind, I'd like to address these and all other incoming JWU students directly.

First of all, welcome! You must be so excited to be embarking on your college career, especially if this is your first time in a biggish city. If you’re here for JWU’s culinary program, good for you! I look forward to sampling your wares in the future. For those of you from New Jersey, and I know the Garden State is especially well-represented at JWU: your long nightmare is almost over.

Now, you and I are going to be cohabitating to an extent in the Jewelry District, where I work and where a lot of you will live and go to class most of the time. In the interest of neighborliness, and short of bringing you a casserole, I’d like to offer the following advice:

Stay the hell out of the street. There are plenty of sidewalks in downtown Providence, and you don’t need to be navigating potholes big enough to swallow your best pair of Uggs in winter on foot. See those blinking light-box-things at most intersections? Those are walk/don’t walk signs. Obey them. If there aren’t any where you happen to be crossing, look both ways before you cross the street.  Don’t just fling yourself willy-nilly into traffic with a grossly misguided sense of who has the right-of-way. Chances are it’s not you, and although I’ll do my very best to not hit you with my car, I can’t make any promises, especially when there’s ice and snow involved.

You’re bringing a car to campus? Lucky you. Find a place to park it and leave it there until you have an errand that can absolutely not be accomplished on foot or by using one of those big blue buses your school provides. If you drive it around town, know that parking enforcement is the sole part of Providence government that runs like a well-oiled machine. Even if you can’t see the “no parking sign,” even if you didn’t know you were too far away from the curb, even if you were only thirty seconds over the one-hour time limit, you will get a ticket. If you want to get out of it, you have to go talk to this guy, and depending on his mood, the whole “but I just had to run upstairs to turn in a paper!” excuse – especially when whined – will not cut it.

When you’re driving your fancy car around town, please keep in mind that arriving at your destination is not a good reason to simply exit your car wherever it happens to be; say, in the middle of the street. Putting on your hazards does not give you dominion over traffic rules or basic manners. Same goes for Jersey plates.

That guy who’s name is all over your campus? It’s this guy. If you see him, try not to make eye contact.

And finally, and most importantly: if you’re not wearing a dress, skirt, or shorts, please wear pants. Tights are not pants. Leggings? Not pants. Jeggings? Not a word, and don’t let me hear you use it again or I’ll cut you. If a two-legged, bottom-worn piece of clothing highlights every contour of your behind and ends in a tight taper around each ankle, that garment is not a pair of pants. You’re in college now! So put on some pants.