Lists!

Lists! I love ‘em. Bulleted, numbered, whatever. They break things down and make them easy to understand. In general, the world confuses and alarms me, but when bits and pieces are presented to me in list form, it’s a little less threatening. The media has long since figured out that people like me are much more likely to pay attention to a story when it’s be-listed, and even more so when there are pictures involved! Pretty, soothing pictures…

Lately I’ve noticed an influx of “best state” and “worst state” lists, especially over on Bundle.com, which comes through on the picture angle as well. I always check lists out immediately to see where Rhode Island ranks. Because you know that if they could get away with it, the listmakers would just exclude the Ocean State entirely, because who cares? And really, can comparing anything about Rhode Island with, say, anything about California be considered statistically significant, even if you’re operating on a per-capita basis? The answer is no. And yet, we’re a state, so you have to include us. Ha! High five, Delaware.

Unfortunately, it seems like Rhode Island rarely wins in any of these list-based contests. And oftentimes, if we do win, it’s entirely erroneous: you’ll remember that a while back, we were considered one of thebest states to retire to and one of the best to be a commuter in. Both statements, of course, are lies. But what else are lists informing (or misinforming) the rest of the world about when it comes to Rhode Island? Let’s review. In list form.

• We rank 9th in the nation in monthly auto expenses. This actually might make sense, as it's kind of hard to rack up a lot of highway miles in a state this small. Also, foot-deep potholes, gigantic metal plates, and the most dangerous drivers outside of Italy are daily facts of life here, and they really wear out an automobile. Do you know what they do about potholes here? They don't fix them. No, if they do anything, they plop a cone in them. Do you know when you realize there's a cone in a pothole? When you're driving through that pothole, because most of the time it's just shy of cone-deep. It's only a matter of time before I have to replace one or both axles on my car.

• We are the 4th most expensive state in which to have a baby. Note how, on the infographic, the Rhode Island piece looks nothing like Rhode Island. No graphic designer is going to bother with all the islands, and honestly, how many people are going to know it's wrong? Moving on. While I don't dispute most of these costs, I would like to meet the person who pays $77 per month for school and childcare. Did the statistician responsible for these numbers figure in the childcare spending of people who don't have children? Because having a bunch of zeroes in the mix is the only way I can see $77 being right. I have a child in daycare, and $77 is accurate only if you add a zero and double it.

• There are only 15 states worse for business than Rhode Island. I really have no first-hand knowledge of this. I only know that it's a big point of left/right contention, with one side complaining that no one wants to do business in this state because of all of the taxes, and the other side telling them to shut the hell up. I do know, however, that we are considered better than New Jersey, which, you know: duh.

• Speaking strictly in terms of sexual health (and who doesn't?), we have some of the halest and sickest college students in the nation. Hallowed statistics factory Trojan and something called Sperling's BestPlaces came up with a sexual health report card, and, wouldn't you know it, Brown came in at number #4. Providence College, on the other hand, came in at #134 out of a total 140 schools. It's not that big of a surprise, given that Brown invites you to a campus-wide sex party during freshman orientation, while Jesuit PC requires mean old Sister Mary Mansname to accompany you on all of your dates, where she tells you constantly how much you disgust her and God.

• Lest you think that Rhode Island is number one in no category, be comforted: the Ocean State is #1 in suicide plans and attempts! Yeah! Suck it, everyone else. Wait. That's... that's terrible. God, that's depressing.

But you know what? I question the methodology of all of these lists. (Except the suicide one, which was done by the CDC, which... you know what? Just go with me on this anyway.) Know why? Look at this one about how much people in each state spend per capita at candy shops. Rhode Island doesn't even crack the top 20, but we're also not in the bottom 10. But candy... shops? This isn't about a population's penchant for sweets, as the title claims. This is more about the states in which candy shops survive. And even where they do, how many people are going to pay $20 a pound for handmade sel de mer caramels when they can go to the supermarket and get eighty pounds of M&Ms for ten bucks? Not many people, that's who. You know who's at the very bottom of this list? Mississippi. Tennessee. Other deep south states. You're going to tell me people down there don't have sweet, um, teeth? Have you been there? Parts of North Carolina make the the jolly, cheese-loving people of Wisconsin look downright svelte. My point is: I take these lists, even the pretty ones, with a grain of salt. Except when I agree with them.