Dubious honors: playin' with the big boys!

That’s right: second only to California in some magazine’s list of the worst states in which to retire, tax-wise! Eat it, New Jersey (#3)! However. If you are considering retiring “to” Rhode Island – that is, you live elsewhere, have worked for many years at whatever you do, saved your money, and then you decide to spend the twilight of your life in the Ocean State – you have problems well beyond Rhode Island’s tax structure. Granted, there are plenty of retirees in this state, but I’d bet a tasty zeppole that most of them were born here, worked here, and are waiting for the sweet release of death here because they are Rhode Islanders to the bone, and maybe they can’t afford to move to Florida.

The really troubling thing here, and I believe it may hold the key to our state’s abysmal financial situation, is the lack of tax on precious metal bullion (see the second-to-last sentence). Why is this only coming to my attention now? Countless fatcats throughout this state are sitting on bars of gold, silver, platinum, and Cumberlandite, while the nefarious organizations that Rhode Island owes money to (hint: it’s all of them) are gearing up to break our collective legs. But it’s okay, people. I know how to solve this. I propose one of two things:

1.      A tax on precious metal bullion of, say, 100%. No, 1,000%! Since someone bothered to take time out of his or her day to introduce legislation to ban tax on precious metal bullion, and since it was voted on and signed into law at some point by someone, there must be a lot of it floating around, right? Or else it just wouldn’t make sense. Let’s tax the holy hell out of it. Or;

2.      Keep the tax on precious metal bullion at zero percent, but invest in an aggressive ad campaign to lure owners of precious metal bullion, like your Gaelic waterfowl and your miserly prospectors, to Rhode Island, where they will buy property. And when they do… bam! Property tax up the yin-yang like the rest of us deal with! They won’t know what hit them!

Budget problem: solved. You’re welcome.