In Praise of Loose Definitions

So. Someone is going on record as calling Providence "The Coolest City in New England?" 

I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to call a big ol’ bag o’ bullshit on this one. It’s exceedingly kind of the Telegraph to give Providence such a nice reference, but calling it the coolest city in New England is like crowning the plain, unremarkable girl prom queen because she didn't put her pants on backwards.  If this article is to be believed by our friends across the pond, then we may be seeing a lot of extremely disappointed Britons mulling around the food court at the mall this summer. Even though the writer of this article went to Brown, the piece itself has the unmistakable essence of something based on information culled from Wikipedia, Google Earth, Weather.com, and PleaseOhPleaseComeToProvidence.com to illustrate our city. Oh, and stock photos.

Let’s break this down, shall we?

Like Rome, Providence congregates around seven hills. 

I’m sorry, what? Counting hills in my head… wait, is Federal Hill actually on a hill? I suppose the ramp off of Route 10 goes up, so… And does it count as a hill if it was leveled over a hundred years ago, as Weybosset Hill was? If that’s the case, I’m going to declare that my raised ranch congregates around the Seven Hills of Cumberland. Check it.

Like few other cities, Providence gives tax incentives to artists not institutions.

First of all, why do you hate commas, British? And also, does Brown University count as an artist? If so, it can buy a whole lot of black turtlenecks and patchouli oil with all the taxes it doesn’t have to pay. Go Bruno!

And unlike any other, it was founded by Roger Williams, one of the great iconoclasts of the 17th century. Williams was kicked out of Massachusetts Bay for daring to believe in religious freedom and the separation of church and state. He founded Providence as a haven of tolerance.

You bet he did! Of course, it was more of a tolerance born of pity, since he thought that everyone who didn’t share his very specific religious beliefs was doomed to eternal suffering, and by cutting them a break in this brief life, he was doing them a right kindness. But still. Whatever gets you there, right?

It is home to Brown University — the hippest Ivy League school, founded by an 18th-century slave trader, once home to Emma Watson (of Harry Potter fame).

So, to recap, the three things worth knowing about Brown are:

1. Hip
2. Slaves
3. Emma Watson

Got it. Moving on.

Its greatest triumph is a sculpture installation called WaterFire: on selected nights throughout the year, volunteers in rowing boats stoke wood into wrought-iron urns anchored in the river, and set the logs blazing.

There’s nothing like it anywhere else in the world. The medieval smell of wood smoke in a contemporary urban setting, and the elemental play of water and fire stir an uncanny pairing of opposites guaranteed to raise hairs on the back of your neck.

Okay. Slow down, there, College. A “sculpture installation?” “The medieval smell of wood smoke in a contemporary urban setting?” So nothing burns down in London these days? WaterFire is a fairly decent block party where you buy your kid a cupcake and a glow-stick and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, for the sun to go down so some guy in a rowboat can come along and light some pots on fire in the middle of the water. The only thing “guaranteed to raise hairs on the back of your neck” is the thought of the traffic jam you’ll be stuck in after you make the three-mile trek back to the parking space you finally found after circling downtown for half an hour.

And finally:

Tiny Rhode Island has almost 3,500 miles of sandy beaches.

Snort. No. Cut a zero. California doesn’t even have 900, for criminy. And "sandy?" I guess you can't say there isn't any sand. And it sounds better than "bouldery beaches."

You know, the writer of this piece is a Brown grad who lives in Northampton, Mass., which may explain the lack of knowledge about Providence, since many Brown undergrads never seem to venture beyond College Hill. (An actual hill - and how.) And maybe it’s a diabolical scheme to get Europeans to spend their stronger-than-dollars euros here, because, you know, we really could use the money. So if that's the case, carry on! I mean, there are cool things about Providence. Actually, there are many, and being a curmudgeonly old coot, that is hard for me to admit. But for heaven's sake, don't lure a bunch of limeys (is that derogatory? I mean no disrespect) here under false pretenses. Personally, I'd fly to the UK if that was the only place I could get the garlic bread at Andino's.

And so, coming this Thursday of Begrudging Respect: actual reasons to visit Rhode Island.