There is something in Providence called Big Nazo. It touts itself as a puppet theater or some such, but it’s actually a nightmare factory. Every parade, outdoor festival, WaterFire, and high-profile 5K is legally required to have a Big Nazo presence. The penalty for not including Big Nazo is the mandatory inclusion of Big Nazo. Or so goes my understanding. I’m no lawyer.

But sweet lord, look at this!

And this!

They’re full-body puppets that happen to scare the bejeezus out of me. But apparently they’re doing something for the community after so many years of taking tiny pieces of my soul every time I’ve seen them. If you haven’t turned on a TV or opened a newspaper in the past twenty years, or in case your eyes have been closed for that long, you might not know that Americans are fat as all get out. We’re a fat, fat, fat, fat people, and with our hellacious fatness we’re destroying the backs of our healthcare providers. So Big Nazo has come up with what must be the most terrifying fat suit ever, so that doctors and nurses in training at a local hospital can practice heaving a giant person in and out of bed.

I just… I have no words. No, just kidding. I do. For one thing, how much does one of these things weigh? Not as much as the person it’s mean to represent, right? I mean, the woman in that picture doesn’t look like she can carry around an extra 200 or 300 pounds. Of course, I could be wrong – neither does this lady. Anyway, it’s not an obese person’s dimensions that are the problem, right? News programs don’t show montages of clips of fat people filmed below the neck to illustrate their giant circumferences. What happens when a big person shows up at the hospital and it turns out that they’re not filled with rubberized foam? I guess it’s a good first step. It’s better than practicing on med students in inflatable sumo suits, which apparently happens. (Go here and see page 26.) If I were a person of impressive size and I had to go to the ER, I wouldn’t be all that comforted if the only experience my doctor had with a big person was with a regular person in a stupid balloon suit from Dave & Busters. Did they wear the wig, too?

All of that, however, is better than just saying “no” to overweight patients, which is what this asshole did in Shrewsbury, a Massachusetts town not far from here. By way of a reason, Dr. Fancypants says her staff was suffering too many injuries from lifting hefty patients, which, whatever. So now she’s refusing to take on any new patients over 200 pounds.

Okay.

First of all, 200 pounds? So she’s also refusing to treat tall people? Because anyone over six feet tall can easily weigh 200 pounds and not be breaking orderlies’ backs left and right. What if you have a thyroid condition? Or a 20-pound cyst? Or cartoonishly enormous balls? Oh, wait – those are the doctor’s. Anyway, wouldn’t it be less hateful to just buy a sumo suit and let your staff hone their skills a little? Oh, Shrewsbury. You don’t deserve a Trader Joe’s! And finally, why was I not informed that lifting was involved when one visits one’s primary care physician? The next time I go for my physical, I’m going to collapse in a heap as soon as I hand over my copay, and the staff can lift and move my substantial self for the duration of the appointment. I’m not moving on my own like some sucker.