Motivation: Traffic. Beach balls. Anger.

No.

For weeks we’ve been seeing billboards around Rhode Island touting a Get Motivated! Business Seminar, a smorgasbord of whoop-de-doo motivational speakers that’s coming to  town to get everybody fired up about something or other. Even though there are big names (Colin Powell, Rudy Giuliani) and a couple of “excuse me, what?” names (Terry Bradshaw, Bill Cosby) involved, the billboards make it seem gimmicky and awful. Different billboards have one person’s picture bigger than the others, implying that they’re the headliner, even though I don’t think there is one. I guess some people will only show up if Lou Holtz’ picture is bigger than, say, Rick Belluzzo’s. From what I gather, it’s kind of like a religious revival without the religion, or a rock concert without music. There’ll still be expensive food, though.

Anyway, apparently this thing is a hot ($2) ticket, because today the Providence Emergency Management Agency warned everybody that on Monday morning, when the thing starts, a lot of people are going to get motivated! to create a “tsunami of cars” by trying get into – and park – downtown. That is, in addition to the people who get into and park downtown every damn day to go to work. They’re expecting a shitstorm of such magnitude that school will be delayed by two hours so school buses won’t have to navigate the traffic. RIPTA is offering attendees discounted round-trip bus fares, so that's... well, that's happening.

And so, to recap: first thing Monday morning, approximately 12,000 people will make their way to the Dunkin Donuts Center in downtown Providence, where there are about 12,000 existing parking spots. If no one already lived or worked here, that would work out splendidly. But instead, Get Motivated! seems to have left the logistics of this thing (other than the provision of lots of beach balls) to fate, so I guess it’s everyone for themselves.

Admittedly, I’m kind of safe in this whole thing. I park downtown, but in a private lot in front of my office building, and I pay my employer every month for the privilege. It follows, then, that I will get motivated! to slash some tires and key some obscenities on car doors if I find no available spots and an excess of unfamiliar cars in the lot on Monday morning. Then again, I find that I’m getting motivated! to just take a sick day and bounce a beach ball against my living room wall by myself.