Smartypants Town

As I have mentioned before, I work in an area of downtown Providence known as the Jewelry District, so named because back in the day, when a lot of jewelry was made and assembled in Providence, it was done around here. As far as I know, very little jewelry-related business occurs here now, and with the exception of a few bright spots (the Providence Animal RescueLeague, the Children’s Museum, Rue Bis), it’s kind of a dump. Not only is it next to impossible for the uninitiated to navigate, but most of its streets look like this:

and this:

and then, of course, some RISD kid breaks loose and does something pretentiously pointless like this:

Anyway. A while back, Brown University bought up a bunch of the old jewelry factories and announced that these few blocks would no longer be called the Jewelry District. With the big, shiny new medical school building it just finished, as well as all the biotech companies that are supposedly going move in because of said big, shiny new medical school building, thisneighborhood will soon shed its workaday past and be known as the Knowledge District.

Excuse me. First of all, let me just stress that I am all for the revitalization of this neighborhood. I for one would welcome streets that don’t make me feel like I’m driving on the moon without the benefit of lessened gravity. I dream of the day that the buildings around the one where I work don’t turn into underground clubs at night, leaving broken bottles, soiled condoms, and worse (yes, it gets worse) to greet us in the parking lot every morning. That would be delightful. But “Knowledge District?” Just like “Jewelry District” is a descriptive name, in that it implies that this district is where some or most of the jewelry-related business in town is (or was) conducted, “Knowledge District” implies that every other district is knowledge-free. And while Providence does have its share of dumbasses, they move about and settle freely, and rest assured that many do now – and will soon – populate the Knowledge District.

“Knowledge District.” It just reeks of… marketing consultant. Sometime, somewhere, a group of highly-paid contract marketers sat around a conference table late into the afternoon, brainstorming ways to reinvigorate the brand of a shitty neighborhood. Why not Brainsburg? Or Entitleton? Or Smarterthanyoufordshire?

Which brings me to another annoying descriptor I hear a lot around here: “brain drain.” Most people who use the term politely refer to it as the tendency for “college students” to leave Rhode Island  as soon as they graduate, but what they mean is that Brown Students leave. Because, really, is anyone mourning the Johnson & Wales kids who go back to New Jersey? Or the RISD kids who go home to stencil "th+ink" on their own town's vacant buildings? Most of the kids at URI, Providence College, and Rhode Island College are from here anyway. But heaven forefend the shining stars that are Brown students go back to their state or country of origin, because then all you’re left with are us slack-jawed yokels, elbow-deep in chowder and Pauly D haircuts. So thanks for that.